10/20/07
The growth of myself, and I am working the 4ht step and inventory
> 2. When you are ready to make a beginning on your fourth step, remember
> there is no hard or fast rule. You should, however, end up with three
> lists; among them would be a list of resentments of people, institutions or
> principles, including the reason why you are angry. Page 65 in the Big Book
> is a good layout to follow, but don't get confused (which I did) about the
> actual wording. Stick with your own life. Then if you need help, I will
> help you figure out what part of your life each item of the list has an
> affect on, such as self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal and sex
> relations.
>
> Another list would be one of your fears, with no resentment in
> connection with them.
>
> A third list will be to review when and how, and in just what instances
> did your selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and
> yourself? Page 52 in the Twelve and Twelve will help with this (second
> paragraph).
>
> That's about it Lee, for now, except let me refer you to p. 46 in the
> Twelve & Twelve, beginning with the middle paragraph and finishing to the
> end of p. 47. This will give you a heads up on the reasons most people have
> a hard time with the fourth step, including moi.
Thats the attachment after the meeting with my sponsor today. In other news, I have opened myself up more to understanding and acceptability and well being more open and less bitchy, but I don't like crowds even though My narcissism ego. I don't want to add more to the above list, till I am able which for the most part I don't think is a good idea I have IRS and other matters to attend to. I am focused on leavening given My view is not good here, and I have damaged my reputation beyond repair here, which even If it is repairable, I want nothing to do with my own kind, or other trans gender folk. I find most disgusting and regardless, I find drag queens, transsexual hookers and escorts more disgusting and even cross dressers equity repulsive.
I crossed boundaries and have a very long list of things to write, the problem is well the memories are coming back bad. I remember at one time I had a friend of mine tail, or run a plate number etc. for my own mischievous purposes or install a gps tracking device, and even had bugged a room in a building, or slashed tires the hate of myself and insecurity and demon. I want to be good and kind again, the anger was inside myself and at myself and I wasn't ready and I am uncertain how to preside but I plan to do step 4 very honestly and passionately and other means.
In other news I got a bit done today, and worked on some issues and have a drive outside the city for some personal affairs in the morning or tomorrow and Monday I have much to bring to my un-manageable tasks here in Houston before leavening for San Fransisco ideally, next fall winter 2008 before new years hopefully before Halloween or thanksgiving to start my life over in one year where I can have a clean slate and fresh start after I work on my interpersonal issues and unmanagabityly.
I'm willing to go to any-eights to move even leave everything behind, not out of shame or geographic running, but because I was wrong as much as I don't like to admit, it and even if others can forgive me, I am too ashamed to ever set foot in this town again.
I did laundry today, cooked breakfast, ate dinner, went out for coffee, and went shopping for some HBA and personal products and other tasks, I might go to memorial city, and stroll the temple grounds this weekend. Its peaceful up there im trying to get NB to go with me. She would be amazed.
In other news, I had to cut off some other pain, CE number is removed from the phone book he caused me to much pain. LR I have respected her wishes and the wishes of others.
My therapist gave me some thoughts, and I have done some research on disorders and ideas. And I have accepted that I have a problem and I am working one day at time to correct it. In other news, I have some doc appointments this week with MM and JT and also do not regret my digression this weekend it was good for my karma even if out of my usual sexual pickyness I have very high standards and am overly deadpanning and had my feelings hurt even if I lowered my standards briefly.
I have to go grocery shopping ina bit, call the insurance co, update my police report for the bum that went after my truck, and do other things. I have to work on my list the list and pain of hell. And work on more and more I have made my self assessment and my sponsor is wonderful and puts up with my bitch and I just have to bring more order to my life.
I did laundry today, and went to the bank, called the folks, and DT. Left a message at MLS, and talked to PMG. Ill probably talk to DLG tomorrow. I also have to shop around for an atty for a personal and tax red tape manner, and other issues.
I am going shopping for a individualized health care plan, and have a job fair, and resume and other things to do, and to see about a service project as well. I talked to Brandi also and took care and hope she is well.
